Yep that’s me… or as what CO called me and AA “mga sira ulo kayo!”

After the really crazy weekend, AA and I met again on Tuesday night to “test” if we could still be alone together with alcohol. I asked him kung hindi na kami iinom together and he said hindi na muna then he changed his mind and said na i-test daw namin. As in we reconstructed the situation last Saturday. Same environment, same ambiance, same crazy amount of Red Horse (this time pa nga yata mas marami yung Happy Horse), minus lang CO and the webcam. Haha! Everything went okay naman. I actually was provoking him to see if he would give in. Mabait ang loko! But when he woke up the next day, I felt that he was in deep thought. Siempre I didn’t let him know na gising na ko. I just watched him sitting quietly beside me. Then I woke up, sobrang gigil na gigil siya sa akin. As in para kong isang malaking teddy bear na pinang-gigilan ng kid. He kept pinching me, tickling me, tapos he kissed me all over my face tapos dinadaganan niya ko. I wanted so much to ask him what’s on his mind pero next time na lang siguro… one step at a time. Gago din ako eh, provoking him. I really wanna see kse if he’ll give in because if I really mean a lot to him, like what he’s telling me, then he shouldn’t. I feel like I’m torturing him. And gago din ako, I should know better. I’ve been through a lot before because of him and no it’s like I’m willing to go through all those pain just to be close to him. I know this won’t lead to nothing more than friendship but there’s still this part of me that’s hoping and wishing that we would be together. I really wanted to get angry but I just couldn’t.

We, AA and I, had a long conversation on Monday in YM. As in I asked him a lot of questions and andami kong nalaman and na-clear. Some of his reasons are still the same when we talked more than 10 years ago and some have changed. He said we’re better of as friends because he doesn’t want to lose me and he is a bad boyfriend. So, kung naging kami noon daw then baka by now eh wala na kami. That’s what we decided on our talk long time ago, we didn’t want to lose each other so friends na lang. Here’s what he told me “honestly, there is this heavy feeling in me talaga if I’m gonna lose you.” And he can’t understand it, that feeling. Sabi ko nga baka naman he feels guilty lang, pero hindi daw because dati pa andon na yung feeling na yon. He said pa I seem like an immortal being that can’t be changed. Feeling ko isa kong anghel na walang pakpak at may sungay. Haha! When we were still in college there were times na biglang hindi na lang niya ko papansinin. I’d always think that I did something wrong so I kept my distance. Nagiging okay na lang lahat pag pinansin niya na ko, then I’d think that maybe it was all just a figment of my imagination. Yun pala it was really like that. He told me that sometimes he got tired of people talking about us, why couldn’t they let us be daw. Parang that time kse almost everyone we knew always associated us with each other. Parang wala ako kung wala siya and vice versa. And some even thought that we’re an item and those who didn’t wished that we were and hoped that we’d be. I want him to sort out his feelings sobra! Feeling ko he can’t or won’t admit to himself that he likes me, you know, more than just a friend.

Another thing pala… he has a girlfriend. O diba para kong isang mistress? Haha! I don’t think he’s serious about her kse if he is then he should be with her most of the time. Pero weekdays he’s in the province, working then weekends naman he’s out with his friends and recently with me. Bad nga talaga siyang boyfriend. Our barkada invites her sa mga get-together namin and I can’t bear seeing them together so ako na lang yung lumalayo. She’s nice naman eh kaya lang feeling ko ang plastic plastic ko. And I don’t like that feeling kaya pass na lang ako parati pag may get-together. Then yesterday, I told him that… na one of the reasons why hindi ako sumasama sa barkada is because of him and his girlfriend. He’s willing to resolve it for me. Pero I told him there’s nothing to resolve. I don’t want to be the reason why people can’t be together.

I’m thinking nga, I’m doing this photobook to set me free from him. I thought our story has ended na. Yun pala chapter one pa lang yon. Haha! Now I have to make a new one pero wala pang ending, hahaha! to those reading my blog… tama ba tong ginagawa ko? Am I insane? What do you think of him? Should I stay or should I go? Any comments, suggestions and violent reactions are welcome.

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