I just don’t know what to do with myself. Don’t know just what to do with myself….

Ever heard that song? Yeah, I don’t know what to with myself right now. In those few weeks, I already got used to seeing him and talking to him often. Now I don’t know if I should still keep in touch with him or not. I kept logging in and out of YM, not sure if I want to talk to him. And whenever he catches me online, I’m not sure what to say to him… should I pretend and tell him I’m okay and unmoved by what he said or should I tell him how he broke my heart. When he asked my how I was, I just ignored his question and talked about something else. I still wanna see him, he’s still my friend after all, but I’m not sure if I could still do that or how I’ll react when I see him. Maybe I’ll just ignore him and see how he’ll react… but what if he doesn’t do anything?

I actually already knew he’d say he doesn’t like me. What I didn’t see coming was how he said it… I don’t like you! And that’s it… Ni ha, ni ho wala na. Of all the people I know, I least expected him to be like that to me. Yes, he’s afraid of me, he’s afraid to do me bad, he’s afraid to hurt me… Huh? Maybe that was then and this is now. Now, he simply doesn’t care.

I asked him if I pissed him off the other day and he said no. Read on…

April 29

B: ask ako ni CB kahapon kung meron ka daw ba kse daw parang ang sungit mo
AA: just wanted to catch her attention na hindi pede yung ginawa nya sa kin hehehe
B: pero okay lang daw, naintindihan ka naman daw niya and alam naman daw niya na fault niya
AA: and i think it was effective
AA: mismo. i immediately acknowledged her apology naman
B: yes. ang bilis niyo nga lang nag-usap eh
AA: siempre. hindi na pinatatagal yun hahaha. ganun ako sa friends ko eh hehehehe
AA: di ba alam mo yun?
AA: joke lang.

B: kahapon pala parang nainis ka sa kin
AA: ha? ako?
B: yep
AA: baka ikaw?
AA: hindi ako nainis
B: feeling ko lang
AA: ah oki
AA: hindi ko lang alam kung mag hybernate ka na o hindi pa
AA: mukhang hindi pa
B: inaantay mo?
AA: ayoko ng tanungin baka humaba pa usapan hehe
AA: expected ko lang na it’ll come anytime soon hehehe
B: ewan ko ba. si CO kse super pinipigilan ako eh
AA: hehe napipigilan ka pala… hahaha

It’s like I’m expecting that somehow he sees me as a special friend… you know, special amongst his and our other friends. And you don’t do that to special friends. He said he tries to understand me… I don’t think so. Sobrang sablay pala ko! All that I’m thinking is wrong. Nonexistent… it’s all just in my head!

But I’m slowly moving on… Yesterday I was supposed to go to MC’s place for the blessing of their kiosks but I declined. He was there. I don’t send him text messages anymore, just a couple of times last week when we were supposed to go to MC’s and I had to tell him I’ll pass. I just felt I needed to let him know that because he’s the one who’s bridging the gap between me and our friends. He’s the one who kept inviting me. He’s the one who’s looking forward to see me there.

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko beacuse until now I’m still scared to lose him… I’m scared he might not talk to me again… I’m scared I might not see him again. Hindi ba dapat baliktad? Hindi ba dapat siya yon?

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