by Nina

One of these days
One of these very ordinary days
You’re gonna call my name and I won’t be there

After the days
After these very very many days
You’re gonna see the light and I won’t be there

And on that day somehow I’ll find the strength to stay away
I won’t give in, I will not let myself be taken in… again
Oh no my friend

One of these days
Out of the blue you’ll start remembering
And I won’t care cause I won’t be there

Oh and on that day I swear I’ll find the strength somehow to stay away
I won’t give in, I will not let myself be taken in… again
Oh no my friend

That’s what I say
That’s what I tell myself… I won’t give in
So try it someday and you’ll see that I won’t be there

No, you know, no, you know I won’t be there
One of these, one of these, one of these days
I won’t be there
No, I won’t be there

——————–

I have a confession… yesterday was the the first birthday party of my friend’s son and I didn’t go. Yes I know that was not nice but that’s part of the consequences of trying to stay away from AA. If I stay away from him then I also stay away from our friends. Instead of going to the party, I just drowned myself in alcohol. It was only 4:30 in the afternoon and I was already drunk. AA sent me a text message asking me if I was going to the party and I replied something like “hahabol ako dapat but don’t worry hindi na ko punta.” And today he messaged me and told me that I was already drunk when I texted him yesterday but he didn’t say kung anong tinext ko. I just told him that I couldn’t remember anymore. And CO is in Manila. I called him yesterday asking him if it’s okay if I won’t go to the party. I think he’s already getting tired of what I’m doing cause he simply told me not to ask him what I’m going to do. I remember about two weeks ago, MC asked me if I will go with them when he and AA go to Pangasinan for some business stuff. I told him I’d go if AA asks me to. Even though AA and I see MC more frequent than our other friends, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on between AA and me. But I guess medyo nakakahalata na din siya… sa dinami-daming beses ko ba naman siya tinurn down pag nag-aaya siyang uminom. And somehow my conscience is bugging me because every weekend na lang MC invites me na mag-inuman pero I keep turning him down. Sometimes nga when he texts me, I don’t reply anymore na lang instead of making excuses and lying. Pagod na din ako.

So, I’ve been thinking and crying a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about my friends and I’ve never really admitted this to anybody but I feel that they only remember me when they need something from me. Not of all of them but most of them. I remember one time when CO and I were chatting, sabi niya na nagwo-worry sila about me because I might not have anyone to talk to pag may problem ako… parang gusto kong maging sarcastic and sagutin siya na “Ah talaga? How come I don’t see or feel that?” Pero tumahimik na lang ako. Don’t get me wrong… they are great friends, really. I just don’t feel I’m special to them. Earlier today pala, I was talking to CO on the phone. I told him that when he gets married, I will not attend his wedding because I sort of don’t like weddings… and his reply? “Papatayin kita!” Of course, he wouldn’t do that kse mananalo ko sa bet namin on who’s gonna die first sa min dalawa. Ayun, tinulugan ako sa phone. He’ll be leaving again for the US on Friday.

With regards to AA naman, he is a good friend and I believe in his sincerity. But a lot has happened these past few months and I think that what has been said and done is driving him away from me. I know he’s trying his best to understand everything about me but I don’t think he will be able to comprehend or embrace what’s deep inside of me or yung takbo ng utak ko. Hindi naman sa minamaliit ko siya, I’m aware lang that I’m a really difficult person and I’m too much to handle.

Ewan ko ba… iba kase talaga yung feeling eh, like when I think about my other friends like JR, DA and OC, kahit na we’re not together I still feel so secure. Kahit na matagal na kaming hindi kami nagkakausap or nagkikita, I know andon pa din talaga yung friendship, yung care, yung concern. Yun na nga yun siguro, I don’t feel secure anymore sa friendship ko with CO and AA. Or am I just being paranoid?

Alas, my song for this week… especially dedicated to AA. Sarcastic ba?

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